But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33

I mean really...how does this apply to job hunting? What will I search for? I'm not searching for a christian organization or an organization where the employees probably even believe in Jesus. In my experience, most non-profit people have lost hope and don't believe in God or Jesus. Often times they might be bitter or jaded towards the entire idea and I get that. I've been there. And I probably will be there again from time to time. Seeing awful things happen to people, especially children, leaves one to wonder where God was in that. And don't even give me that answer that "everything happens for a reason" or "God was in that to make her a better person". Those answers work great for people going through fairly trivial things but sound like shit when referring to children who have been molested and women who have been raped and beaten. In those times I really DO wonder where He was. Where was God when that young girl was attacked multiple times throughout her life? Where was God when she asked for help and nobody believed her or thought she was to blame? Seriously? Can somebody actually GIVE me a real answer this?

I've applied to a children's psychiatric center yesterday. All I asked God is that he let somebody see the application and call my employee reference. I'm having one of those days where I lose hope in the whole thing. I hate these kinds of days. It's so frustrating to know that I'm in a company that I hate and doing a job that is so mundane. I strive for the days that I can wear normal clothes and actually give a crap about my appearance. I long to be able to have chaos and hear drama that's actually real to somebody (As opposed to people creating drama about where to put clothes away...) I look forward to a chance to help another human being in their life and really listen to their stories. I look forward to the chance to feel completely out of place and confused and wonder if I'll ever be able to do my job. I can't wait for the challenge. 

Hobby note: I tried the sewing machine and can't quite figure out the bobbin situation. However, I did start hand stitching on the dress that I'm altering. I've altered the skirt just a bit, removed the sleeves and have started stitching a new hem, removed the collar and stitched a new hem, and just need to shorten it! Exciting!!

 

Optimism

I sent out my licensure papers to my supervisor today...I must admit that I was rockin the professionalism in that envelope. Can't wait to get it back to learn some more. I also forced myself to get OUT of the house to go for a walk up to the grocery store and along the way I put a middle schooler in his place for being a hater to his friends. Nice.

In the time that I've been talking with different professionals in the field I seem to find 2 main types of people. The optimist and the pessimist. Unfortunately, there seems to be a gender difference in this as well. Men tend to be more pessimistic in the career hunt. Examples?
       + Does LPC even mean anything anymore?
       + Health care is great if you believe the earth is flat.
       + LPC is not marketable, you should do MSW.

Excellent. A new grad getting told that her profession is crap and there is no use trying. THANK YOU for the encouragement? Not so much. I like that people feel able to be candid with me, but that doesn't really help me to think that there's anything worth doing out here in the field. Will I be a JCP employee for life? Please, God, don't do that to me!

However, I have seen several women who are SO optimistic! It's amazing. The most amazing part is that these people are all doing the EXACT same thing. Some of the different people work at organizations that do the exact same job for the same pay and are having lots of clients seeking assistance. Let's hear from the ladies:
     + There is so much work to be done in the field!
     + The work to be done is so vast and you can do something different every year and still never do everything that's out there.
     + Mental health needs so much help...there's plenty of room for everybody who wants to work.

Whew! What a relief. I have to admit that I was uncertain of myself so much that I was considering trying to do case management (which I would do if it was not far driving and was offered....just saying. I'm not picky) Thankfully these women have been so great to speak with and always encouraging. Another interesting aspect is that each of these women made some mention of Jesus or God and blessings in their statements. Coincidence? I can't be sure. But there seems to be one thing that's true. God does play a part in people's outlooks and their ability to see the best in their future. I know this, but I never seem to know it enough. Self disclosure-- I've definitely come to times where I feel that I've lost my religion and I can't be sure of anything. I still feel that way about 60% of the time, but I'm coming to see that having faith doesn't always mean being 100% sure of everything you believe. After all, isn't it enough to have the faith of a mustard seed? From a mustard seed there is plenty of room for growth.

Maybe as a seed I am trying to grow into something else..I have no idea what a mustard seed turns into but maybe I can be an acorn.

oh..and i didn't sew today...

The Next Step

The one thing standing between me and a potentially amazing job is my license. And for some reason I'm such a self-saboteur that I can't even figure it out. I have to send some information to my supervisor and that's it-yet I still haven't mailed it. Why?? No clue. It is so easy. All I have to do is put some papers in the mail...
Perhaps it's because I don't have the opportunity to actually apply for jobs that I might get without that license. It's a guaranteed way to not feel awful every time I get denied a position or I'm not qualified. That way it's not about me and my qualifications, but really it's about my license. It's such a great excuse. But, damn, it's selfish. A real job would be so great for everything. Better finances, no need to worry about money ever, a way to make my husband proud, using my degree---making myself proud. Yet it seems like something that I find so easy to put off until the next day.
I know that there is only the next day for me...but the next day is the day. Tomorrow. I will mail everything to my supervisor and get everything gathered for this test.

On a hobby note, I want to try sewing tomorrow. I really want to try out the new machine but have never thought it to be ok because I feel guilty having a hobby. I don't deserve a fun hobby that isn't something to better my body or my career because I don't have a real job. Maybe if I had a real job then I would be allowed to have a hobby.

Tomorrow I'm going to mail my licensure information and start sewing and call my next contact...more information tomorrow!

Patience

I am 24, married, and have my master's degree.

And I work at JCPenney as a stocking person. Yes, stocking. I graduated in May, got married in July, and have still not managed to find a job. I've had a couple of offers, but they are in no way right for me. However, I've had a chance to meet some pretty awesome people along the way and learn about other people's journeys. One of my professors in grad school (Krieshok) taught me about social networking and how to get a job...he would be proud of this moment where I actually am putting information to use. I have met people through my dad, my mother in law, and each of those has given me at least one other contact through which I've been networking around.

The biggest issue I seem to face in the job search is my lack of self worth. I pictured myself graduating and moving right along into a field that I love and working with people that I truly care about. Instead I find myself feeling more and more like a housewife every day. Most days I don't even leave the house other than to work before dawn. I'm not even sure that I have a wardrobe anymore!! I think I still have some headbands somewhere.... I digress. These days it's all about being patient. My mom recently has been tested in some serious areas of her life and I was just baffled at how she manages to get through it. She said that God's teaching her patience. Geez..way to make me sound like a little pagan hoodlum child. But I got to thinking that maybe she's not so perfect and maybe I'm being tested for patience as well. I assume that I should be asking for more patience daily because I'd hate to be tested in patience in other areas of my life :) Not that I can guarantee patience in one area will not lead to learning lessons in other areas of life, but this one feels pretty big to me. My wonderful husband always encourages me in my search and says that he knows everything is going to be fine. Often I wonder how this can be true. I have completely managed to wrap up my entire self worth in a job. I mean, seriously. How is this even a real life concept? I have lived majority of my life believing that people are so much more than their jobs and that more people should focus less on their jobs and more on their lives, kids, spouses, hobbies, joys, etc...and here I am obsessed with being able to find a job in order to feel self worth.

Go figure.